


you carved a special place for your pain

by Amber_Flicker



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: ...or a hopeful ending at least, 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Gen, Implied westallen at the end, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 21:58:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11389239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Flicker/pseuds/Amber_Flicker
Summary: Five times Barry cut, and one time he didn't.





	you carved a special place for your pain

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Under The Knife by Icon For Hire
> 
> For a tumblr prompt: _hi ho i was wonderin if you'd be willing to write a h/c fic or oneshot about barry struggling with self harm & feelings of worthlessness like over the course of his life but having been in recovery until recent events. bonus points if u cover how his advanced healing effects scarring and enables him to remain isolated for longer than he should be able to, and things get out of control so he asks for help & is supported by his fam. or smth along those lines idk_

1

The root of the problem had always been the Reverse Flash, even before he knew how or why or who. The first time he'd ever taken a blade to his skin was three weeks after it happened. All the support in the world wasn't enough when no one believed you, when your dad was going to jail and there was nothing you could do or say. When everything was dismissed as the flawed, trauma-induced memories of a child. His problems began and ended here.

Barry hadn't done it recent years. Not since becoming the Flash. Not until...

He'd always known that someday he would find answers- he didn't expect those answers to be so shattering. He'd seen it as some shining beacon of light, that would pull him back out so he wouldn't feel the urge anymore. That everything would be like it was meant to, with his old and new family and the real murderer locked up. It was unrealistic; his rational mind pushed the fantasies away, but they were always there at the back of his mind, the thing that kept him running (figuratively, and later, literally.)

This, this betrayal? It had never been what he expected. And the destruction he'd caused to the city by time travelling to that night...

Alone in the aftermath, he bled, wounds healing _far_ too fast, one more reminder, and wondered how he could have been such a fool. 

 

2

It wasn't that he hadn't had the urge since Zoom first appeared, but he was trying as hard as he could not to give into it anymore. No, things weren't okay. He was still broken up, and so was everyone else on the team. There were trust issues abound. And dealing with yet another enemy that was faster than him... But he'd been doing so _well._

Then one more thing was ripped away from him. One more thing he couldn't stop, one more time he wasn't fast enough, good enough. He didn't know what he was feeling, something too intense to put into words. Angry or anguished or a mix of the two. Maybe the anger was more directed at _himself_ for not stopping this. The only thing for certain- he'd broken all over again. He wanted to _destroy_ Zoom.

He thought of all the years he'd spent trying to exonerate his dad, and the precious little time he'd had with him after it had happened. He thought of the scene before him, shockingly, horribly like the one here so many years ago. No one knew how he almost self destructed that night, between the murder and getting locked up by his team. He left behind no evidence.

 

3

Flashpoint had been... perfect. He had been happy, completely, for the first time in years. Of course, that couldn't last. Barry didn't get to be happy.

He didn't know whether those months were worth the mess he returned to. He was always ruining something. This had been caused purely by his own selfishness; he wasn't sure how to fix it. Barry couldn't mess with time again to try and get things back to normal. He, and everyone else, would have to live with the consequences.

 

It felt like losing everything all over again. His friendships, his family, his motivation. He was in no state to be with Iris like this, avoiding her so he didn't have to disappoint her, _it's not you it's me, it's me I'm a mess and you deserve better, you deserved Eddie but I took that from you-_

He cut at a rate he hadn't in years, and learned just how much his healing could take care of. No more scars. No more hiding anything for longer than an hour or two. It was no blessing.

He almost handed himself over to the Dominators not only because it had seemed like the only option, but because it had seemed so _right,_ taking himself out of the equation so that everyone could be happy and saving the world in the process. Barry had allowed himself to be talked out of it, but the thoughts still plagued him.

 

Even their eventual forgiveness couldn't make him forgive himself.

 

4

Savitar was him. Barry was Savitar. The revelation was crushing. He'd become what he had feared he would since the beginning, a _monster._ Everyone around him was in danger, not only because of those who came after him and would exploit his weaknesses, but because of Barry himself. This just proved it; he was dangerous. And all his effort to do good had been useless. He wasn't _good._ No wonder Eobard Thawne had hated him so much- he knew what Barry would become. _Who's the villain now?_

He knew he was cutting deeper than usual, but it didn't seem to matter, really. Maybe he _should_ die- then Iris wouldn't. He had to save her. He had to keep everyone safe. One last act of desperate heroism. He regretted not being able to be better. Maybe he'd been destined to fail from the start. He hoped the mess wouldn't be too terrible to clean up...

He watched it drip to the floor,  
and it felt like an eternity. Blackness crept in slowly, seconds ticking by twice as long to his speedster senses, and he almost had the time to rethink the rationality of this choice. 

It was too late to second guess now.

 

5

He never quite found out how they'd caught him in time. He didn't want to ask. But the thing that mattered was that they had, and now he was here, laying in a cot at STAR and wondering how he was supposed to face them. Barry had never thought he'd have to deal with the aftermath of his admittedly rushed decision. He realized now that it wouldn't have helped anything. Savitar would've still existed in a paradox and there would have been no one left who could stop him. But it had seemed like a good idea at the time.

He didn't get any choice but to deal with everyone. Caitlin made them all leave after while- _he needs rest-_ but not until after he'd dealt with ranting and tears and _why would you do that_ and _how could you do that to us_ and _how long_ and he knew they were just upset and concerned and probably wondering how they'd never noticed anything but...

It made him hate himself all the more for his selfishness. He knew if he had anything around him right now to do it with, he'd be right back to destroying himself. But they'd removed everything from the room, Cait told him he had to stay for another 24 hours at least, so he was stuck. He didn't feel like worrying everyone more by leaving against her advice. Thus he was forced to sit there with nothing to distract him from every terrible thought racing through his mind.

 

+1

"How are you?"

Barry looked over at Iris as she sat beside him. "Okay." Realizing that wasn't a good enough answer, "Not gonna go be self destructive any second."

"That's good." Her eyes were sad. He almost regretted it all. 

"Yeah." It wasn't that everything was better, really, it had been something he leaned on too much and there were still so many _problems_ to deal with, so much leftover grief. But it was... not as bad. He was coping. That was all he could do.

Maybe he could _keep_ coping, with his family, with Iris, to help on the bad days. Maybe even heal, eventually. It was hope, something he'd been in a short supply of for a long time. 

It was something.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at cliches-and-coffee on tumblr (where this was posted over a month ago, and I'm only now getting it up on ao3...)


End file.
